March 24, 2015

  • Did I Ever Tell You

    Tell me all about it

    "Did I ever tell you..."

    That's where it begins in your 9o's.

    Do I need to correct you and supply you with facts?

    Should I change the subject since I've heard the subject 50 times before?

    Compassion flows up from the bottom of my feet and finally my mouth works.

    "What happened next?," I ask.

    Imagine no relatives, you're 91 with bad eyesight, and living in your own home.  Everyone you know has told you that you could live somewhere safer and professionals will tell when it's time for what you need.  Imagine that you're "not going to leave my home."  The house you designed and had built. In a place where you've lived for 60 years.  Imagine that!

    You've recently split your head open, and recovered.  You tell stories about how sick you were when you were a child.  You've had many parts removed and until now, you've been feeling pretty darn good.  Imagine that!

    I tell you that you have the right to be unhappy about all these changes at 91.  As soon as I do your positive light, the one that has kept you in the game for so long goes on.

    "Oh I've had it pretty good, you know.  Did I ever tell you..."

    "What happened next?"

    (pats heart, and points to aging)

March 3, 2015

  • This IS the Place

    I ran over here to keep from screaming everywhere else today.  Sick of people who are DRAINING me, and I can't get away from them as this world is such a needy people place and I'm out there among them.  Unhappy in relationships, but afraid of never finding SOMEONE to be with and share a life.  They say it's not important yet they're yearning, starving for something MORE meaningful.. TALK, TALK , TALKING about each other, and I remain the one who says I can't figure other people out, so please don't gossip about them to me.  Then I"M the one who they push to the outside, because I won't join in.  I AM the one they come calling or messaging or taking me to the side, because I"M the ONLY one who'll help them sort it all out. A sounding board.  I should have been a therapist. At least I'd been paid for it.

    See? I'm toxic today.  I want to stay IN and I'm an OUTDOOR person.  I feel like a single bloom, alone, waiting for a fresh beginning.

    MUST GET TO MEDITATION TODAY!

    Thanks for listening. I'm done!

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December 28, 2014

  • It Came To Now

    Oh don't get me wrong, she whispers to me when I miss a memory. The past is there for a dip in the pool.

    But it came to NOW.

    Now I use my toolbox of living to advise my questioning mind.

    Now my response has the return to humor as a "go to".

    Now I stretch more and complain less.

    Now I ask a question when someone wants to be angry.

    Now I seek a deeper level of truth.

    Now I know it's not for the faint of heart.

    It came to now.  I considered the shift.

    Level UP?

    (pats heart, and points to you)

    Arrow

     

     

     

     

     

December 13, 2014

  • What I Don't Say

    They're in the middle of an ongoing drama.  It's a performance of emotions trying to find the light.

    From where I  stand, I see it unfolding like a movie where I get the best perspective.  No one asks me what I think about it.  What I think about it is none of their business, right?

    Instead, I learn by my observing and apply my opinion to my own life, not fixing what's broken in others.

    What I don't say:  "If you'd find a way to forgive the past and let the present unfold in new ways, the pain of the past will fade."

    What I do say:  "I've found that when I forgive the past, the present starts shining."

    "Today is more important than yesterday."

    (pats heart, and points to you)

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November 12, 2014

  • How About Some Thanks

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    Thanks for the butterflies as they brighten my life, and I think I walk lighter in my loafers these days.

    Thanks in my heart for the age and experiences that have given me a deeper perspective.

    Thanks for the humor that makes a bad situation not so bad anymore.

    Thanks for the people whom I've never met yet feel a kindred spirit.

    Ah yes! I could go on and on with more and more.  Funny though how Thanksgiving just doesn't make a whole big difference to me anymore. I'm feeling pretty thankful everyday.  Oh yes, I'll be happy to have my "peeps" around for the weekend.  It will fill my heart with thanks and more, but I know that the "more" comes from how I participate with my people rather than trying to fix my people.  I've learned the art of listening without interjecting myself into every conversation.

    I think that if I went back in time, the real challenge of that first Thanksgiving was to sit among people that didn't know each other.  Natives and Visitors.  Now sometimes, I'm the native in my house, and other times I'm just passing through.  Most of the time of late, my teenagers are the natives and I know nothing of my territory.

    I'm rambling now, so I'll just end with the thought that there are many people out there we don't know or understand, and maybe this holiday season you'll have an chance encounter with a stranger.  My wish for everyone on my thankful list is that they allow themselves to take some time to smile at that stranger, or say "hello", hold that door, wish someone a pleasant day, pay for the guy or gal behind you in the store with the milk and bread but don't tell them, and if you get the chance, sit with someone you don't know and get to know them.  It may even be someone you thought you knew, but really had no idea what made them tick.

    Be a shining star for someone else.

    (pats heart, and points to you)

     

October 9, 2014

  • A Tree is Nice

    "Trees are beautiful. They fill up the sky. If you have a tree, you can climb up its trunk, roll in its leaves, or hang a swing from one of its limbs. Cows and babies can nap in the shade of a tree. Birds can make nests in the branches. A tree is good to have around. A tree is nice."  From the children's book, A Tree is Nice by Janice May Udry

    My mom had this book in her collect after retiring from teaching. She passed it on to me for my children and we loved it. Growing up, mom had a way of working trees into the conversation as I played among so many in my childhood. We had a family cabin surrounded with pines, and mom knew all their names. She'd sketch them and get to know more about them as she noted the sometimes subtle differences as she'd draw.

    "Now see how the pine cones of the Sugar Pine look so different compared to the Ponderosa Pine?"  We'd be walking along and she'd get the conversation moving like it was going to be about trees, then it would change into being about me as she worked the growing up and changes into the tree like comparison of life and living.  Gave me a love for trees.

    I have a pine tree that has just been removed from my backyard so now all these memories of trees, and my upbringing get to float around at the front of my memory.  It's sad, and happy at the same time.

    The tree had been diseased by the boring beetle and we sadly watched it die.  Last week a few tree like branches came down and landed on electrical wires.  Time for the tree to be removed!  I knew it was going to leave a empty space where we use to throw out a blanket for the babies to play under it, or nap in a crib, or crawl and explore, or swing from the tire, play dress up under, and so much more.  My children didn't know that until it was gone.  I listened at the backdoor as they spoke in quiet hushed voices about the loss and how empty the yard was now.  The tree had filled it with shade and with that shade, it created a space for our family to SHARE space.

    The tree was about 50 years old. It was 45 to 50 feet high and it proudly held a 20 plus year old hawks nest at the top.  I heard the hawks lamenting it yesterday. Heart breaking!  The neighbor from two houses down come over to tell us how he will miss the shade (we had no idea it reached his yard, hadn't thought about it.) and inquired about the hawks nest.  We assured him that we'd asked the tree guys to remove it as safely possible and they cut it out and brought it down with total respect.  We've called around and our local natural history museums all want it.

    So where do we go from this loss?  I encouraged some seedling trees about ten years ago so we'll plant one or two and create a space for more sharing.  We'll share our stories about what happened under the tree as we sit by the stump. Maybe make a bird bath in the old tree stump.  It's story is not through yet.

    A tree IS nice!

    (pats heart, and points to the empty space)

    IMG_5693IMG_5685IMG_5700IMG_5697IMG_5696IMG_5702A Tree Is Nice

     

     

     

     

     

October 2, 2014

May 13, 2014

  • Need a SMILE?

    I didn't write this one. It comes from writer: Lexi Bridges. Found it when I was looking for another story about a smile.  Thought I'd pass this one to YOU!

    LEXI, an unhappy woman of substance, sits impatiently on a bus stop bench. MICHAEL, a (great looking, well built, bald) homeless guy, sits down next to her with a big smile on his face.

    LEXI: What are you smiling for?

    MICHAEL: It's what I do.

    LEXI: I won't ask.

    MICHAEL: I sell smiles for a living.

    LEXI: I'm not interested.

    MICHAEL: Here, have a free one - on me. (He smiles at her.)

    LEXI: No thank you.

    MICHAEL: Sorry, can't take it back. You'll have to give it to someone else.

    LEXI: What?

    MICHAEL: The smile. You'll have to give it away if you don't want it. Or sell it if you like - apparently it hasn't been used much.

    LEXI: What do you mean by that?

    MICHAEL: You don't smile very often, do you?

    LEXI: So what if I don't?

    MICHAEL: Shouldn't waste your smile...there's plenty of people who could use one.

    LEXI: Well they can have mine.

    MICHAEL: Your what?

    LEXI: My smile.

    MICHAEL: I don't see one.

    LEXI: I thought you just gave me one.

    MICHAEL: I tried, but it didn't stick. I think it bounced right off.

    LEXI: Fine. What's there to smile about anyway?

    MICHAEL: Well--

    LEXI: You don't have to answer that.

    MICHAEL: There's lots of things to smile about. It's a beautiful day outside; the buses are running on time--

    LEXI: I don't want to hear about it.

    MICHAEL: --and look at that flower over there, now that would make anybody smile--

    LEXI: Would you leave me alone!(a long moment of silence. Finally, she gives in.)

    LEXI: So what's the going rate on smiles these days?

    MICHAEL: Pardon me?

    LEXI: Your smiles...how much are they?

    MICHAEL: Oh, they're very expensive.

    LEXI: So's my taste.

    MICHAEL: You probably couldn't afford one.

    LEXI: Try me.

    MICHAEL: I'm warning...it'll cost you.

    LEXI: Yes, I know, HOW MUCH?

    MICHAEL: One smile.

    LEXI: One smile?

    MICHAEL: That's how much they cost.

    LEXI: What?

    MICHAEL: The price for a smile is exactly one smile. That's the going rate. (She thinks about it)

    LEXI: Alright. (smiles) I'll take one.

    MICHAEL: It was a pleasure doing business with you.(he leaves)(Daisy, a streetwalker, sits down next to her.)

    DAISY: What's with the smile?

    LEXI: I sell smiles for a living.

    (pats heart, and points to you)

     

April 17, 2014

  • Missing

    Lift Me

    No more phone calls.

    No more emails.

    Use to be hard to reach you.

    Now I just close my eyes and you're there.

    Your voice is clearer now

    or

    maybe I'm finally listening.

    Things have changed

    since I started missing you

    in a new way.

     

     

March 3, 2014

  • We're all just passing through. DJayne Spencer 3/2/1921-3/1/2014

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    Just 10 minutes shy of your 93rd birthday, Mom. You left this earthly place to "what's next." Thank you for the long phone calls where we jumped from thought to thought and you kept up with me and I kept up with you. We covered more ground via telephone back then before the dementia stole you from me. You are among those you missed so much and I feel comfort in that thought. Soar above us, though us, in our hearts and around our souls. Love reaches beyond our sight. Always a part of me and I thank you, sweet Jaynebug for all you shared, challenged, & questioned in me.

    This was my post on Facebook today. I have written on Xanga about the dementia and many of you have been so supportive, so I thought I'd share her passing with you.  Those who are friends with me on Facebook, I thank you for the love and kind support, & prayers.

    One of my sisters has joined me for the next few days.  We'll walk on the beach and remember our childhood and start to sort though some of our confusion having a mother who raised us to be individuals in a cookie cutter world, and in her last years was not truly present. Grief is a process and so we begin the journey.  We'll let the dementia times wash away and let the time before that long struggle come back to our hearts to help us heal.  Love was always present and will shine through.

    (pats heart, and points to my family)