December 8, 2012
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Care & Feeding of the Mind
The sky was dark to the right of me, raining on me, but ahead there was an opening with light behind it.
I pulled away from the home and reached for my water bottle. Bob Marley on CD. "One love, one light, let's get together and be all right." I shifted in my seat to the rhythm humming and singing to the chorus. I smiled to myself as the wiper on the car flapped back and forth dragging a piece of the rubber each time with a healthy groan across the windshield. "I'm going home", I thought to myself. But my mind immediately started processing all that had taken place in the last three days.
The encounter with my mom and her dementia was an adventure in waves of feelings and emotions. I'm a soft hearted one, so I had to just let the tears flow at times. Mom didn't notice as her vision doesn't allow. I held her hand and let the conversation come and go. She said she felt like she was in a dream and I told her she was and that was okay too. I reminded her that she is an artist and can paint her dream anyway she wants now. At 91, she can let go. For some reason she doesn't. That's her road to journey.
I found it interesting that at times she thinks she's her grandmother, a woman she loved and respected. My mother shared with me that she was waiting there because Jaynebug was scared. Jaynebug IS my mom, so I asked who she was and she sat up fuller in her chair and said, "I'm her grandmother!"
"Why are you waiting?"
"She's afraid. I'll wait her with her while the others go ahead." (no one else in the room)
"Do you encourage her to not be afriad?"
"Hell no! It's scary!"
"I'll wait with you." I took her hand and she told me how warm it was, how "nice and warm." I sent love from every pore in my body through that hand hold.
"I love you , Mom."
"Who are you?"
"I'm Lyne."
"Oh...when did you get here."
This conversation and many others washed through my mind as I drove home. I looked out at the rainy day and let it go. Nature flashed by my window and I took it in. My spirit is open to receive healing and support from my source, so I let the road be the process as I left a bit of my child behind and opened a door to loving me more.
The sky was dark to the right of me, raining on me, but ahead there was an opening with light behind it.
"One love, One light...
(pats heart, and points to you)
Comments (32)
I had very similar conversations with my mother. It still hurts that the last years of her life she did not know me.(pats heart, and points to you) be strong Buggy!
As my mother was in her last 3 weeks, we had very similar conversations. The caregiver commented to me that when people have life-threatening accidents they say that "their whole life passed in front of them." He then wondered if that is what was happening with my mother. There were people, and trains, and flowers, and every once in a while some lucidity -- all of which I could recognize. In one conversation, I was acknowledged and "let me tell you about the vivid dream I had last night." After some time, a question was asked, I responded, and heard "Oh, Janet, I didn't realize you were there."
I'm glad you had a few days with your mom, and that you were able to let it go as you drove home, and that you were able to get home safely
! (((hugs))) and lots of love to you!
I sent love from every pore in my body through that hand hold.
lots of healing wishes sent your way after what had to be a hard visit! stay strong!
My father was like that, but since I hadn't lived with him after I was 10, and since we hadn't been close after I was grown, it didn't hurt me as much as you must be hurting. Hugs.
I'm grateful for your presence here. Thanks for sharing this.
Spending time, even just a few days, giving love and companionship to an aged person is truly God's work.
((((hugs)))) It's a hard journey for both of you, each in your own way. I'm glad you're able to let it go for a bit and find your own healing and strength to get you through this time of life.
you have such a graciousness in you. I'm glad you and your mother love one another, even if she forgets who she and you are at times. and, at times, perhaps she really is her grandmother.
how did you come to name your site after your mother?
hugs,
j.
The last few weeks my mother was alive she talked to her friend that was killed in a car wreck and also with her father and a brother that had passed....I know I was looking very worried and Mom just smiled and said it is ok they are just here for when I go and they will walk me home it still makes me tear up thinking about it she looked so peaceful those last few weeks not afraid at all The last afternoon she told me I needed to go make arrangements with my work so all my clients were taken care of I was just working mornings at the salon and spending my afternoons with her I was gone maybe 15 minutes and when I returned she had already passed she left a message with her nurse that she didn't want me to see her die...she was a very private person I think she just wanted to be alone and quiet The nurse said the last thing she said was Daddy lets go....I am happy that you had that time with your Mom it is a blessing
My mother-in-law is going through this with her mother now. It's hard for her too. She spends as much time with her as possible, just grateful to get more time as I'm sure you are.
blessings!! <3
(((Hugs)))
My dear, this entry had touched me deeply in my heart. Reminds me much of my sick mother too, and the memories sticks to me like hard glue. I just simply cannot let go ... The memories of losing her still hurts ... And worse is at this time when Christmas come and all memories return in its own time ...
I wish you all the good joy and blessing for you there, dear.
Take care!
hello dear one, this entry touched me deeply. May you continue to swim in the blessings of the divine source and may the magic of the holiday season gift you with light and healing you both need. You are in my prayers.
@Iamsurrounded - My daughter and I spoke about the pain fo not being remembered, but I think she does, it's just in waves now. Love is eternal and we can hold that safe in our souls.
@slmret - Love you, Janet! I am grateful for the time to hold hands.
@WildWomanOfTheWest -
Is the answer.
@jerjonji - Thank you. It was hard and wonderful. The edge of life is a place we are curious about, yet don't want to lean to close.
@ata_grandma - Hugs!
@distractedbyzombies - The sharing is part of my letting go, so thanks for the support, Bear!
@RakkaRay - Certainly brings us right to the source! Hugs to you!
@songoftheheart - All the living and experiences bring me to this and I see more to see.
THANK YOU for your loving care!! I think, I should be there to help out and know I cannot. I realized my time was with Dad, you and Lar are with Lady J. I send energy into the flow as you continue to float down the river of life!!
Lyne, you have an amazing heart and an amazing soul. Thank you for sharing this precious moment between you and your mother with us. We are blessed to have your beautiful perspective on such a heartwrenching situation.
It is wonderful that you could be with your mother even if it was only for a few days. I believe there is a continuum that we will never really understand but love can bridge. Hope the love you poured out will comfort your mother. For the second time today I'm reminded that the angels prefaced their visits with "Do not be afraid"
@plantinthewindow - I was trying to sign up for Xanga and the usernames I put in were all coming back as used already. I didn't know how unoriginal I was...hehehehe, anyway. Mom called me and as I was speaking to her I kept putting in names. I responded to her calling her a pet name her grandmother called her as I knew it gave her a smile..Jaynebug. My mouth said it and I typed it in and the screen came back with a "Welcome to Xanga, Jaynebug" I informed my mom that I just named my site after her and she laughed and asked it she could sue me.
I sure miss those phone calls now. She doesn't call and it's hard to reach her where she lives now or she doesn't really know who's on the phone. Anyway, I love her and hope her journey becomes a beautiful dream. Hugs to YOU!
@plantinthewindow - I hear you about the possibilitiy that she is her grandmother at times, especially if Mammy (grandmas name) is the one who will show her the way. Helping her through the fear. It might take a while, but it makes sence to me.
@SisterMae - Thank you for sharing that with me. I understand that she is on the edge of life and with no vision of our world, we are fading and "what's next" is getting brighter. Have a beautiful day!
@crazyforfsh48 - Yep! I'm grateful, and curious, and scared, and joyful, and can feel my love for her from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head. It's like my radar is constantly connnected with her now to fill her with love and let fear wash away.
@Tempguestbrief - Thanks R! Blessings to you too. I can feel it!
@RestlessButterfly -
Rez! Thank you.
@SherryAngeLMysteriez - I remember when my father passed and Christmas felt a bit empty that year, but I went outside and invited him in through a prayer/thought/love and have not felt like he was too far away since then. He lives in my heart. Thank you for your kind thoughts.
@wiccanadri - Thank you. She will find her way and I know she knows I love her. Our connection has always been strong. Blessings to you.
@clayrek - The help you give is the love in your heart, Bear. You are doing exactly what you need to be doing right now. I love you so much!
@heart_beep - Hi Jill! Thank you for your loving thoughts. We are all in the wacky world together and sharing is a bridge for us. It helps me process and so I find healing here among all of you, Xangans.
@murisopsis - I agree, Val. And Fear seems to leave us stuck in many forms along the path of life. Hope my mother can find her way through the fear and I love that my greatgrandmother is helping her see the way.
We have just to give with love in this case that is so sad
Merry Christmas ;
Love
Michel
merry christmas Lyn ~ ilym
@mlbncsga - Hugs to YOU!